“Cover Fire” is the latest title from Genera Games, the Spanish mobile games company that brought you the likes of “Frozen Free Fall” and—goddamnit—”Run Forrest Run,” the official endless runner tie-in to “Forrest Gump,” you know, the movie. Now, I haven’t played those other games, but I know one thing: “Cover Fire” is the epitome of cynical, pay-to-win, paywalled garbage the mobile platform is infamous for.

“Cover Fire” is a third-person cover shooter in the vein of every single other third-person shooter on mobile. You can’t move unless a context-sensitive prompt comes up to switch positions. There is absolutely nothing mechanically interesting about the game besides the fact that occasionally, missions put you in control of a sniper or RPG-in-a-helicopter-man. That being said, “Cover Fire” is pretty fun at first. It feels okay to play, which is an accomplishment for any touchscreen shooter, and the guns seem to have a nice punch.

But the cracks start to show very early on. Mission objectives, which must be completed in order to get skill points and cash, start out simple enough: get 2 headshots; finish in 60 seconds; kill 2 moving targets. The objectives are treated like any mobile game, with three stars being the maximum rating for a mission. With every objective you complete, you get a random reward. If you complete all three objectives, you get a bonus reward, meaning you get a maximum of four skill points after each mission.

But there comes a point where it is nearly impossible to get all three stars without upgrading the characters. Here’s the problem: it takes absolutely ages to make even the most trivial of changes to the skills. Putting 15 skill points into weapon damage—which can quite literally take 15 missions due to abysmal skill point drop rates—will only increase your damage 2%. When the game asks you to kill five enemies with a single, 20-round magazine, this just isn’t possible, especially in later missions where enemies take up to 10 shots, if not more, to take down. Sure, you can upgrade your magazine capacity, but it works in the same vein as the other skills: you get a 1% or 2% boost. I’m currently at level 3 in the Clip Size skill, which gives me 4% more ammo. Guess what? That’s not enough to bump my assault rifle up to 21 rounds, my sniper rifle up to 4 rounds, or my bazooka up to 2 rounds. Damage boosts work the same way. It’s insane.

On top of this, there is a global level-up system that has no benefit besides rewarding piddly amounts of the premium gold currency and some energy so you can grind out five more missions before your energy needs to recharge. Yes, that’s correct, Genera even included an energy system in this game. After the first chapter, missions cost two energy to start. You get a hard cap of 10 energy. As far as I can tell, it never increases. But wait! You can get unlimited energy by becoming a premium user for only $.99!

However, that boost only lasts for 7 hours, and then you’re back to 10 energy. Even if you bought the premium user boost, you need to combat the system used for mission repetition. So you need to grind to level up your skill to get one more bullet in your magazine? Well, too bad, because the level that gives out points towards the Clip Size skill can only be played three times in 24 hours. And so can every other mission.

The story of “Cover Fire” is vague, yet somehow manages to make it clear it packs in every possible cliche. Here is the official description from the game’s Google Play Store page:

“Lead your band of heroes to a war against Tetracorp corporation. Build your own strategy in the battlefield and attack your enemy from all sides. Visit the huge arsenal and use powerful weapons and level up your soldiers with unique skills. Limitless action in the best shooter game for mobile and tablet. Do you accept the challenge?

Are you the hero the human race needs?”

To address some things: I don’t know what the Tetracorp corporation is. You’re just killing its employees and guards for seemingly no reason. Also, you can’t build any strategy. Every mission is limited to one character, and you can’t change your angle, so there’s definitely no engagement from all sides. Also, the term “unique skills” seems overbearingly subjective. A burst of health regeneration or a few seconds of slow-mo is in no ways unique. And last of all, “limitless action” is such a blatant lie, it may as well be false advertising. Again—I want to make this super clear—you can’t play more than five missions before running out of energy. And being the hero of the human race is a little strange, considering you fight humans the entire game.

“Cover Fire” is not even a joke game. There is no reason to play it beyond the first several missions. It’s not something you can have fun with friends with, laughing at how bad it is. It’s just…bad. And money-grubbing.

This is a movie that I watched. Now I’m writing about it. What to say… what to say. Well, first off it isn’t a good movie and believe me, I hate that I’m saying that.

 

Alright, Gods of Egypt. This is a movie that I watched. Now I’m writing about it. What to say… what to say. Well, first off it isn’t a good movie and believe me, I hate that I’m saying that. I really do my best not to be negative about movies. It’s just that I know there are a lot of people who put a lot of hard work into these movies. I usually am able to at least take something from a movie. I enjoy most movies, there is still a part of me that actually enjoys Return of Superman. I know it has flaws but I can’t help myself. I will also say, despite going into this movie with low expectations I still found it quite underwhelming. Sometimes, if you go into a movie with high expectations it might make the movie suck less. However with this movie, I saw the trailer, it looked dreadful and I went to go see it anyway.

 

 

I will say that there was some oddly specific references to Egyptian mythos in this movie. A lot of deep cuts, despite having a mostly white leading cast. So that was entertaining. I’ll also say that Chadwick Boseman absolutely stole the movie for me with his portrayal of Thoth, the God of Knowledge. I smiled every time he opened his mouth. This also made me quite excited for Captain America: Civil War where Boseman will be playing Black Panther.

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is also in this movie. He plays the great Horus, God of the sky. Horus is basically trying to defeat Gerard Butler’s Set, another God but evil, for most of the movie. And that’s basically the plot. It’s a very simple, average story of revenge. I really won’t bore you with any more details. Neither Coster-Waldau nor Butler are really doing anything different or special in this movie. Butler is playing a spinoff of his King Leonidas character from 300 with his Scotish accent occasionally taking over, whereas Coster-Waldau is just playing a Lannister without any siblings, plus instead of missing his hand he’s missing his eye in this movie. Talk about typecasting.

 

 

This movie does some odd things, not only does it partake in the whitewashing of cinema, but it also is quite religious in its own way. You must be thinking, Nicholas, you’re watching a movie with “God” in the title, why are you surprised? I don’t know, I just was. The movie makes a big deal to point out how these mortals are getting into their versions of heaven and hell. There was so much Heaven and Hell talk that I began to have some existential thoughts while watching this movie. I began to wonder what heaven or hell would be like, I wondered if I would even want to keep on living after I died. I mean, my life isn’t that great. I certainly want to live until I die probably, but after that? That just seems exhausting. But I guess if I went to Heaven it wouldn’t be too bad, supposedly our human minds can’t really understand how great Heaven is. Plus, I do like change. I remember being in the theater thinking about all of this, thinking about all the people here on Earth and how I don’t really want to see any of them again. I don’t care if it’s all over when I die. That was sort of the deal I accepted when I came into this world. Is it wrong that I don’t want to see anyone after death? I’m a denier of grief?  I mean, I get sad when people die, but I just accept that I won’t see them anymore. Like after High School is over. You’re not going to see those people again, it’s sad but like whatever, that’s life. However, I guess in this case, that’s death.

Well anyway, that’s Gods of Egypt for you. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you guys, there was a scene in the movie showing the earth being somewhat flat. So all you conspiracy theorist out there, the Egyptian Gods got your back. And so do I. Never trust the government. Good bye.

 

 

 

So, Oddities, I ask that you offer up your couch to me, let me lay down with a box of tissues adjacent, and let me bare my soul to you (I’d see a psychiatrist but those are super expensive and ranting on paper is way cheaper).

 

Okay, Oddities, I have got to get something off of my chest that has been building for way too long now. I know all of you loving fans are probably thinking, “Matt, you poor guy, what could possibly be causing you such distress.” Well, my awesome readers, it’s the Supergirl show. I bought the season pass on ITunes because I thought that CW was going to produce another winner. Albeit, a winner with a ton of stuff changed because of Eobard Thawn’s (and Flash’s) meddling with the time stream, but a winner none the less. Oddities, this show is driving me insane. I’ll admit that there are parts of it that I enjoy but there is so much that hurts my very soul that the scales could never balance out. It’s like on one side of the scale, someone put a flashdrive with this week’s episode on it, and on the other side, someone put the entire comic collection of Supergirl appearances. For those of you who don’t know, that’s fifty eight years of comics versus a tiny flashdrive. So, Oddities, I ask that you offer up your couch to me, let me lay down with a box of tissues adjacent, and let me bare my soul to you (I’d see a psychiatrist but those are super expensive and ranting on paper is way cheaper).

 

 

So, some of you have probably already seen the title of the article and come up with thoughts like, “Matt, you just don’t like the show because you’re a guy.” Or maybe some of you are thinking, “Matt, you can’t hate on Supergirl, that’s sexist.” And I bet a lot of you are probably thinking, “Matt, the fuck is rule 63?” So, I’m going to address those thoughts before I begin. For those of you wondering what rule 63 is, it’s a rule of the internet stating that for every male character, there is a female counterpart and vice versa. This isn’t like how Batman has Batwoman, and Batgirl. Those two are actually separate characters, Kathy Kane and Barbara Gordon. Rule 63 is like if someone from a parallel universe showed up; like if it wasn’t Bruce Wayne crying in Crime Ally at the age of ten, instead it was Brandy Wayne (I don’t know if that’s an actual character or not).

Now, for those of you thinking that my distaste for Supergirl is due to some gender related reasoning, I’m super disappointed in you. If you had read anything of mine before, you’d know that I’m all about absolute equality in terms of identity. In the end, we’re all people and no matter what or how you were born, it’s your actions that deserve either praise or reprehension.

 

 

No, my reasoning for hating the CW Supergirl series is because that isn’t Supergirl. The protagonist of that show is the parallel universe Superman, that woman is his rule 63. Now, again, I’m sure as you’re sitting in that therapist chair and listening to me as I’m laying here on your couch (yeah, that scenario is going to go on until I’ve thoroughly exhausted myself from ranting), “Matt, I know that you’re beyond brilliant and not to mention devilishly good looking, but don’t you think it’s possible that CW is just taking the show in a different direction? Maybe you should just give them the benefit of the doubt.” And you know, until this morning, I’d have said you were right. After all, that’s why I’ve been watching the show; I’ve been giving them that benefit. However, when I woke up, ate me some breakfast, sat down at my computer, and started this week’s episode of Supergirl, that benefit of the doubt that I was giving them was thrown out the window.

I won’t lie, after last week’s episode’s ending, I was half expecting this result. I knew that when I saw that black petalled flower preparing to strike Kara from the ceiling, they had lost my trust. That flower is one of the signature weapons used on Superman by Mongul. The flower is a parasite that attaches itself to a host, forces them to be still, and creates an illusion within the host’s mind of the most peaceful scenario their mind could create. In other words, while this flower drains your very life from you, you are trapped in a false life, completely unaware of what’s happening to you. This flower is called The Black Mercy, and it first showed up in Superman Annual #11 in 1986. In all honesty, I didn’t recognize it from that comic right away, instead, I recognized the flower from the second episode of the 2004 animated series, Justice League Unlimited. That episodes name was “For the Man Who Has Everything.” What an odd coincidence that this week’s episode of Supergirl was titled, “For the Girl Who Has Everything.” Yeah, coincidence my ass.

 

 

In the comic, Batman, Robin, and Wonder Woman come to The Fortress of Solitude for Superman’s birthday. They arrive to find Superman standing completely still with the Black Mercy attached to his chest. To make a long story short, the three heroes have to fight off Mongul while trying to remove the parasite from Superman’s chest. In doing so, The Black Mercy ends up attaching to Batman and Wonder Woman, showing both of their dream lives. In the Justice League Unlimited episode, nearly the exact same thing happens but this time, there is no Robin.

While the dream lives of the other heroes are fascinating, they aren’t the reason I’m here, free of charge, getting therapy. It is Superman’s dream life that is what is causing me to nearly convulse with rage.

Superman’s dream life is on a Krypton that never exploded. He has a wife, a son, and even Krypto the Superdog is there. However, in this life, Superman isn’t the giant that he is on Earth. He is no longer the Hebrew golem protecting Metropolis. Hell, he doesn’t even have his powers. Instead, he is just ordinary Kal of the House of El. His father, Jor-El, has been publicly shamed for his findings that Krypton was going to explode. As the heroes were gaining ground in removing the parasite from Superman, Superman’s dream starts to shift and the parasite begins to loosen its grip (though it’s stated that the dreams starts to shift prior, the loosening is what causes the dream to shift drastically). The dream Krypton begins to rumble and shake while Superman realizes that the world he is in is just a fantasy. There are a few heartbreaking moments where he says good bye to the son he never had, and in the end Krypton explodes and the flower releases its hold.

The start of the Supergirl episode begins with Kara waking up in her bed on Krypton and being greeted by her mother. Right off the bat, warning bells are ringing.

Now, Oddities and temporary therapists, I’m not going to get into the content of the episode, instead, I’m going to talk about why it has caused me to accuse this show of being Superman’s rule 63 copy.

To start with, we have a genius billionaire who doesn’t trust aliens, believes that he will be the savior of humanity, and uses his company (which has his name in the title) to create ways that will harm the alien savior. Am I talking about Superman or Supergirl? Well, because Lex Luthor is essentially Maxwell Lord, I could be talking about either. I mean, Lexcorp and Lord Technologies are both companies that end up creating devices meant to save humanity, make money, and bring down Superman or Supergirl.

 

 

Then, we have the evil Kryptonians who survived their planet’s destruction by being inside of an extradimensional prison, who end up coming to earth and believing that they should take over because humanity is wasting its potential and they could make us better. Is this Kara’s Aunt Astra or is this General Dru-Zod (to whom we must all kneel)? Again, I could very well be describing either of them.

Kara’s job is almost identical to Superman’s for the exact same purpose except that instead of being a reporter who has an excuse to leave at the drop of a hat, she’s an assistant which means she has to come up with awful excuses which get all loopy and comedic. Not to mention that her boss, Cat Grant, is just the feminist clone of Perry White. Seriously, her angry attitude, her constant reminiscing of the old days, and even the awards she’s won (which are the same except add the words “first woman” in front of them).

 

 

Of course, then we have the failed clone of the alien who was created by our evil genius billionaire. The clone that has gray skins, has poor diction, and is the opposite of their alien counterpart. Am I talking about Bizarro or, oh wait, that’s right, they didn’t even change the fucking name! It’s still Bizarro. Granted, I know that Bizarro-Girl was actually in the comics in 2010. However, not only was this a New Earth storyline that happened literally a year before DC realized that their whole universe needed an overhaul (partially because the continuity was almost nonexistent, for real, read two sequential trades of the 2010 Teen Titans, you’ll have no idea what’s going on) but this Bizarro turned out to be from a place called Bizarro world. It isn’t even the same thing as the comics, it’s a total rip from Superman’s Bizarro.

Then, there are the things that they didn’t just bring in from Superman, they totally stole from Superman. To start with, there is the extradimensional prison which they even admit was their version of the Phantom Zone. Then, there is the origin of the awesome villain, Live Wire. Of course, we have the Toy Man, who apparently is related to Kara’s BFF. We have Lois Lane’s sister, Lucy Lane, who was originally part of Superman’s inner circle of friends and not connected to Supergirl (and was also Superwoman at one point, it was weird).

Not to mention that the show then takes things out of Metropolis to suit their needs. Things like, Jimmy Olsen. Yeah, Jimmy Olsen should not be there. I don’t give a damn about Olsen but I do care that he was only placed there just to be a part of some awful love triangle or pentagon, or dodecahedron.

 

 

We also have the characters who just have no place being there to begin with. Characters like T.O. Morrow and his creation, Red Tornado. Yeah, those two are Justice Society old. That means that Red Tornado worked with Alan Scott. If you don’t know who Alan Scott is, that’s because it’s so freaking old! Not only that, but Morrow was dead, even back then (and the Red Tornado was just awful, a complete butchering).  And even worse, they took the Martian Manhunter! Why?! Why take that character and make him so awful?!?!

And of course, there’s all the stuff that got changed for absolutely no fucking reason! Okay, gonna take a deep breath. I know those last few paragraphs weren’t about carbon copy things and more so just anger about theft.

Look, Oddities, if all of my evidence hasn’t convinced you yet that this Supergirl is just the rule 63 Superman, than I don’t think I can. But let me just say that I love the real Supergirl. I think her New 52 equivalent is even more bad ass because they lost all of the antiquated gender stuff. I know Supergirl and this isn’t her. Whatever CW has given us is an abomination unto the comic book gods. I have tolerated all of the dumb changes, the crappy effects, the awful attempts at being subtle with feminism (see my Scarlet Witch article to understand what I mean), the terrible acting, and even the unbelievably cliché romance angle that they are forcing down our throats. But I just can’t tolerate the fact that they have the chutzpah to call this Supergirl.

 

 

Oh, and by the way, the fact that this trash is even attempting to merge with the Flash universe is making my skin crawl and my gag reflex to work overtime. And yeah, I call it the Flash Universe because it wasn’t until The Flash merged with Arrow that Arrow started to even graze the pages of the comic book.